Shame Redeemed

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16

For 20+ years, I have prided myself on being a great person, a great mom and a great Christian. Trust me, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Big ones even. But I am the kind of person who doesn’t mind owning up to them. I am human after all. And though humility is not my forté, I have learned over the past few years that it is not my adversary either. So bear with me…

Back in October 2016, after my second divorce, I picked up a cigarette and began smoking. Because I had smoked in my late teens, the addiction set in quickly. I hated it, but not enough to quit. It was a disgusting habit and I was so embarrassed. I was supposed to be stronger than this. So I hid it from everyone that I could. I would only smoke in the morning before my shower or after I was off work. And always outside. I would put on vinyl gloves and cover my hair and clothes to avoid smelling of it so others wouldn’t find out. Only those in my close knit world knew. Oh, I tried to quit. Several times for various reasons. But I enjoyed smoking. And I lived in this ‘secret’ for over 5 years.

A few months ago, when the Lord told me to ‘Get Up’, I knew what that would entail. And as much as I knew it was for my best, I just wasn’t ready. Sounds silly to write that out in words, but it is true. I wanted to quit. Oh, how I wanted to. How all those who love me wanted me to. But I had convinced myself that with my current physical state, I just couldn’t add that stress on also. I didn’t feel I could handle that, too.

But I was wrong. Because after months of the Lord and I conversing about it, 15 days ago, I put out my very last cigarette. I proceeded to crush the remaining ones in the pack and gladly throw them in the trash. And oh, it felt good. Relief and fear were both at play. But I was set. I was done.

Fast forward one week…

Last Thursday at church, I went down for prayer. I can honestly say in the last 5 years, I have only done this twice. But the Lord called, so I answered. I told the men that I wasn’t sure why I was there. Life was going well. My marriage was good. My health was returning. And then I just blurted out that I had quit smoking. I don’t know why. I would have never told them this. But now they knew. Someone outside my circle knew my hidden shame…

It caught me off guard to be honest. I had a moment of fear. And then I had a moment of truth… It’s why I went down for prayer. Because I needed to tell them. I needed to confess my secret because God wanted me healed. Not just from the physical addiction. But also from the shame that had encompassed me for too long because of it.

It is so sad that we define ourselves by our faults instead of giving ourselves the grace to be able to confess them. Because we fear judgement. Because we fear consequence. Because we fear disappointing others. So we hold onto the lie, hiding it, and we forget who we truly are.

But I’m done hiding.

So now you know… I was a smoker. And now… Now I am healed.