The Bravery of Courage

There are mornings I wake up and wish I could be the kind of woman who just packs a bag, grabs her keys, and leaves without looking back.

I’ve played that scene out in my head at least fifty times. The silence behind me. The road ahead. The relief of not wondering anymore if I’ll be chosen today.

But that isn’t my story. Because today, I am still here.

It takes more courage to stay than anyone on the outside will ever know. Because he doesn’t even live under my roof… He left mentally and emotionally long before he ever did physically… In some ways, even before we began.

He is technically still in my life, but not really with me. I get the occasional meal, a surface level favor, the mere ‘I love you’ text that feels more like punctuation than the promise he made to do so. I feel his absence in the places where his presence should be. 

People think leaving a marriage is the brave thing to do. And sometimes it is. But they don’t see the kind of steeled soul it takes to remain steady in this in-between. The not chasing. Not begging. Not letting his distance convince me that I am unworthy of closeness… Of real love.

Courage, by definition, is not the absence of fear or ache. It is the strength to face whatever the challenge is anyway. It is the perseverance to carry the weight of what hurts without letting it define you..

Without letting it define me… To stay present in my own life, even when he won’t stay present in it with me.

It is brave to hold my boundaries even while the lines blur. Brave to resist the pull of crumbs dressed up as care. Brave to create space for my own needs, my own healing, my own peace… Even while the hollow ache of what could have been hums in the background.

It is brave to tell the truth, even if only to myself… And the truth is that I want more than this. The truth is I deserve more than this. The truth is my worth is not measured by his choice not to choose me, or his silence, or his sudden flares of attention.

It is the brave truth that I speak back to my own reflection: You are not weak for staying. You are strong for surviving. You are stronger still for protecting your peace inside this heartache.

Maybe one day I’ll walk away from this arrangement completely. Maybe one day I’ll finally close the door on someone who closed it on me a long time ago.

And yet… Maybe one day…

Maybe one day he will finally choose me… He will finally choose me and we will live in the beautiful fullness of what God called us to…

Maybe… But maybe not.

Regardless, today my bravery is here. In the stillness. Knowing that God is still God. 

My bravery is in the scarred soil of my broken heart. Here in the messy middle… where leaving and staying both carry their weight. 

For I am brave, even while I stay.

And I will be brave, even if I have to go.

Either way, courage is mine…