Forgotten to Remember

I remember when…

It’s often a phrase we use when reflecting on the past, when recalling a memorable moment with a friend or family member. Sometimes, it is more than a moment. But sometimes, those memories cause a twinge in the heart.

I remember when I was strong… I remember when, not only did I believe it of myself, but others often faithfully said as much. I was not only physically strong, but mentally strong and spiritually strong. I didn’t have it all together, and I didn’t pretend to. I didn’t need to pretend. Because I knew it was my truth. Even when I wasn’t, I was so strong. So determined to fight for the life I believed to be mine. So determined I would always be strong.

I also remember when that shifted. It wasn’t just one event or happening. The truth is, this world had beaten me down and tried to break my spirit so many times that I flat out wanted to forget. The higher the pain, the harder the acceptance… I couldn’t remember when I was strong, because I had felt so weak for so long. Life had hurt me. And I was tired of hurting. I was tired of fighting. I just wanted to forget the pain. And the world had offered me a giant rug, so I just swept the bad pieces of life right under it. What we resist, grows.

But God…

A few months ago, I reluctantly attended a women’s retreat with my best friend. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hang out with my bestie on a mini vacay, but I knew that I had a confrontation awaiting me, a rug to remove. I had been hiding it all for so long and I just didn’t feel ready to deal with it. I didn’t want to think about the things that hurt. But because I had made the commitment to her to go, I did.

Immediately our speaker hit me right on the nose with her statement: “Stop helping the enemy defeat you”… I knew I had allowed him to assist for far too long because the enemy is not passive. He is set on steal, kill and destroy. I was a prime target in his crosshairs. And after he had fired his crafty darts, I had been multiplying my own suffering by ignoring the damage.

I won’t delve into anything I had to confront and let go of over the course of the next two days, but let’s just say, there were a lot of emotions that were untangled. A lot of pure ‘But God’ moments that can only be described as divine words, spoken to a very broken daughter by her Daddy.

The entire weekend was God ordained. Every song. Every testimony. Even our first meal. It was like He had it all perfectly planned out, seemingly just for me. Yet, it was that final morning of the retreat that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

We were encouraged to have an hour of quiet time out on the beautiful grounds and reflect on the weekend. As I sat down on the farthest bench, way away from the others, out by the creek, I suddenly felt a deep need to walk. So I moved further still on an unpaved path through tall grass and trees, and came upon a beautiful little pond… He leads me beside still waters... I heard Him so clearly, it was almost audible.

That’s when the tears started. When I realized that while trying to forget the pain, I had also forgotten to remember… He restores my soul… I had forgotten to remember who I really am. Why I am here. Where I am going. Who is always beside me… Yes, I felt weak. Yes, it hurt. And yes, sometimes it still does. But those facts don’t negate my truth.

I walked out onto the little deck, sat down and very willingly let acceptance in. It is what it is. It happened. It had a cause. Suddenly, all of the tears, all of the pain, all of the disappointment that I had been fighting so hard to forget fell like a flood out of my eyes.

I don’t know how long I actually sat there in tears, but as the moments passed, the weight of it all got lighter. The sky, a little brighter.

I found my fight again there, on that small platform of wood over that small body of water, holding tightly to the truth of Whose I am.

I will forever be thankful for that day. And I will forever remember when I was made strong… again.

Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14