Silver Linings

I am a ‘find the silver lining’ type of person. Sometimes the silver linings are obvious and easy to spot. Sometimes they have been hidden beneath the surface, but you tend to see it once you look at things a little differently. And sometimes, sometimes I have had to dig that sucker up! For me, the silver lining has typically been found in the former, as positivity seems to be a somewhat second nature. I have been blessed to be able to proclaim, such and such is ‘not as bad as…’ It’s who I am. The positive one.

I’ve always loved that I was the positive one. It took a lot to get there; years of pain and unimaginable heartache. But I did. I made it to a place in life where there was always something positive to outweigh the negative… This is probably why Romans 8 is my favorite chapter in the Bible. Verse 18- For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. And then to top it off with Verse 28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I remind myself often of these things. I am called and loved by God. I have lived through worse. It WILL get better.

But it’s been a hell of a year. The last 4 months have been some of the most trying of my life. Circumstances and life situations have been overwhelming.

Most are unaware, but it all started when I lost my book deal. I saw my dream seemingly go up in flames all because of an innocently posted image a few weeks too soon. Copyright issues. I took full responsibility, but it didn’t lessen the pain.

Not quite two weeks later, I lost my dad. The pain of his abrupt and unforeseen death trumped the loss I had been feeling. My book no longer mattered. That loss did not hurt near as much as his death.

Not quite a month later, I lost my balance. Vertigo is bad. Very, very bad. Feeling as though the world is quite literally falling out from under you, there is nowhere that is safe. You lose total control of all senses. Every day. Multiple times a day. You can’t stand, much less walk, much less DO anything worthwhile. It takes not only your livelihood, but your hope for a life as well.

A month later, while still dizzy, I lost my uterus. THIS however, I felt was a silver lining. That is, until a pocket of fluid showed up in my abdomen two weeks later… Antibiotics overload.

Two weeks after that, due to the antibiotics, I lost my bowels. C-Diff is no joke. Not only did I lose my overall health, I lost the ability to eat, which cost me 11 pounds of weight in 12 days. I have never been so sick. Ever.

Now, another antibiotic and a week later, I am finally feeling a little more human every day, even if things are not all quite right yet.

I still can’t eat like a normal person, but I can eat! And hey! I lost 11 pounds! Goodbye winter weight!

I still can’t lift anything over 20 pounds, but I can now vacuum! And mop! Some may not see this as a good thing, but I am ecstatic about it!

I still can’t bend over or move my head too quickly, but I am no longer dizzy when I move! I even danced for a moment in the kitchen earlier.

I still can’t go a day without missing my dad… but since his death, my older brother comes over every Saturday for coffee.

A lot has been lost. A lot has changed… I have changed. But somewhere amidst all of this loss and change, there IS a silver lining. I am not sure what or where or how or when it will reveal itself fully, but I am positive it is there… Because I was promised it will all be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. And I am still not one to give up on finding a silver lining.