What If

What if??? It’s the million dollar question.

I have had defining moments in my life, and I find myself in the midst of living through another. I have been dating someone, a beautiful man with a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind. He has become very special to me in a short amount of time, which for me is a rarity. I find myself opening to the real possibility of he and I, and I will admit I haven’t handled it appropriately.

So much so that these last few weeks I have found myself in some very vulnerable moments and out of fear, I momentarily retreat behind my walls. Last night I had one such moment, but after I ran and hid, I realized it wasn’t him that I was running from; it was me, because I feel so much. And when you haven’t really felt in a long time, those feelings can throw you off because you begin to question, what if… What if he isn’t everything he seems? What if I am not everything he desires? What if it doesn’t work out and I’m left with a broken heart? What if…

We are all trying to find our place in this world. Add the potential of love to that and life just seems more complex. But is it really?

He is a wonderful man, sweet and sensitive, smart and generous, and beyond what I thought I would find again. And yet, he is here. Is he perfect, without flaws or a past or baggage? Of course not. But neither am I (obviously). He is however, a great human, one I enjoy spending my days with, one I connect with and am highly attracted to, one I find I really don’t want to run away from, but rather want to run toward.

I wrote the following as part of a conversation in my soon to be released book, ‘Breathe’…

“To love is one of the greatest gifts given to man. It isn’t always perfect and it isn’t always meant to be. But when you find someone that you deeply love, you don’t let them go just because you’re afraid of making a mistake. It may work out, it may not, but you can’t let fear of loss dictate your future. You fight FOR love, not against it.”

I should really heed my own advice. Because what IF… What if HE IS everything he seems? What if I AM who he desires? What if IT DOES work out and happiness abounds? What IF…

There’s really only one way to find out.