My Greatest Love

I write a lot about dating and my lessons learned while doing so. But today I want to take a moment and tell you about the man who loved me whole, the one who loves me still.

You see, 19 years ago I was in a really bad place. Really bad. The worst. My children were very young. And their father, the man I loved had been shot and killed 18 months prior. And while he wasn’t the best to me or for me, losing the love of your life and father of your children sucks. I had moved to a new town. I was alone. I was depressed. I had become a faithful marijuana smoker, and an all too often one night stand. I was so young, so hurt and so lost.

And one night, just days before my 21st birthday, it all just became too much.

Falling to my knees in tears beside the bed that night, I just wanted out. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t being the mom I had dreamed of being. I wasn’t being who I had dreamed of being. Life was not okay. I just wanted, needed the pain to stop.

That night, I told God all of it. I cussed and I cried and I broke. And I told him if he wanted my life, he could take it, because I didn’t want it anymore.

I had not grown up in a Christian home. I did not really know if he would hear, much less listen to someone like me. But I had to try. It was my last ditch effort. I crawled into bed that night in tears, as I had every night for the past 468 days.

The next morning I realized I had slept through the night. I had never done that. Really slept. It surprised me. But what surprised me more was that the deep ache inside did not seem so heavy.

Something was different and like an instinct, I knew what it was. So I walked into a local church, and met the preacher (whose name happened to be same name as the man I had lost) and asked to talk.

He told me about this man, Jesus. This man who loves me. This man who took my sorrow, who took my shame, and nailed it to a cross, where he died, so that I could live. I cried…. but not the tears of a broken woman. But the tears of a whole woman. Because of this man, Jesus.

You see, I had not realized that just hours before, when I was cussing out God, He had released me. When I told Him that He could have my pain, He had taken it. When I told Him that He could have my life, He had given me a new one.

I was forever changed. I AM forever changed.

I forget that sometimes… but He never does. You see, I am His little girl. His princess. He has given me life and love and an abundance of joy that I never thought possible. He has given me second and fiftieth chances. He never gives up on me. And He never fails to love me in spite of my choices and my faults. He never fails to love me when I am selfish and do things my own way. He never fails to love me when I don’t act like the daughter He knows. He never fails to love me in spite of me.

And He loves you, too… And He wants you to know that.